Category Archives: Mindfulness

Perfectly imperfect – the bumpy ride is better than no ride

Oh it’s been a bumpy ride so far, this new business venture and adventure!

I’ve been so challenged with finding balance, because I’m so lit up by this “work”, and I just want to do all-the-things and share with everyone!

I’ve been so challenged with staying true to my why, to my intentions, with staying aligned.

I’ve found myself so easily falling into the dark holes of FOMO (fear of missing out), rushing to “get there”, comparison, and trying to emulate my mentors instead of sticking to my own path.

I’m loving what I’m doing, and I’m on fire with the message of the oils, the empowerment of the business opportunity, and the philanthropic heart of the company I’m partnering with. This is not the issue.

The issue is falling into old habits and thought patterns, allowing my ego to creep back into the driver’s seat intermittently.  I find myself with a scarcity mindset, feeling fearful, being in a lack mentality.  I find myself worrying, I find myself operating from a place of fear of failure, which has me slip into desperation mode.  This all drives me into old behavioural patterns of poor boundaries, working late, and getting inadequate rest.  This leaves me feeling tired (or exhausted), overwhelmed, ungrounded, forgetful, and foggy, and all this leads me become at risk of triggering or worsening my health challenges, and making poor choices.  This becomes a perpetual downward spiral, and sees me focusing on unaligned goals out of a desire for validation, approval, and praise.  And then, I recognise all this and I feel bad that I’m doing this to myself, and that it has a negative impact on those around me.

Gosh, that’s draining just to write!!

So why am I sharing this story of woe with you?

Because, as always, I know that if I’m experiencing it, someone else is too.  Because in my lessons, you may find lessons relevant to your own path.

None of us is perfect.  We each have our “bad” habits, tendencies, and negative programming that keeps us stuck.

We each have the voice of our ego telling us that we’re inadequate and doomed to fail, that we may as well give up.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t succeed.  It doesn’t mean that you can’t do good in the world.  It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give it a go, that you shouldn’t give it your best.  It certainly doesn’t mean that you will fail.

What it does mean is that you’re human.  Every single human, including all those out there who appear to be “successful” (however you define that for yourself), have an ego that tells them just these kinds of thoughts every day.  The key is, not everyone listens to it.  Not everyone believes what their ego has to say, or allows it to dictate their actions.

What it does mean is that the road may be a little (or a lot) bumpy.  You will no doubt make mistakes.  No matter how much your inner perfectionist strives for impeccability, it won’t all be perfection.

The point is, it doesn’t matter.

When you notice your mistakes, fix them.  When you recognise the voice of your ego, don’t believe its words, or allow them to dictate your actions.  When you see you’re stumbling or veering off course, pick yourself up, re-establish your footing, and course correct.

Keep coming back to your why.  Keep coming home to your soul.

The universe is forgiving.  You won’t be marked down for getting sidetracked or swept up in egoic delusion.  Every time you return to your soul, all is forgiven.  The slate is wiped clean.  Just ask for guidance and help, and trust that the answer is given before the request is even made.

You don’t need to be perfect, or get it all perfect.

I’m so glad that I’m in a place energetically where I don’t allow these challenges to stop me.  I’m so glad that I can recognise and observe what I’m doing, forgive myself, and course correct.  I’m so grateful that I have my spiritual tools to keep me on track or to get me back on track.

Do what your soul guides you to do, and it will all be perfectly imperfect.  It’s all part of the human experience.


Image credit: via Death to the Stock Photo, used under license.

The glorious perfection of a messy life

For so long I’ve felt stunted in writing in this space.  In fits and spurts I manage to create a little something here and there, but consistency has eluded me, pretty well from the start.  I go for weeks or months without writing, and then announce out of the blue when I’m back.

I’ve questioned this erratic pattern, I’ve told myself that if I want to make something of my writing I need to get consistent, I need to be creating content, I need/should/must do this and that.  Constant judgement and criticism.  And that, my friend, is a prime recipe for procrastination & paralysis.

When inspiration hits, the words come flowing in my mind.  I’m consumed by them, I’m illuminated by them, I’m propelled by them.

Sometimes, I prioritise getting them out of my head and onto the paper or screen.  Other times, I tell myself “later”, because there’s the cooking and the washing and the million other things on the to-do list.  Generally, later never comes, or if it does, the words seem to have left the building – what was earlier an abundant overflow of ideas and words becomes a deserted, empty, echoing chamber.  That is frustrating.

The thing is, I know that it’s futile to wait until my ducks are all in a row to make a go of creating something of beauty, meaning or significance.  And yet, it mostly feels like life is always in the way.

My journey, particularly over the past 3 years, has bought me so far.  So much healing, so much growth, so much expansion.  And yet, so often I find myself questioning why I haven’t reached my destination yet – I have this vague concept of arriving in a place of perfection where all my wounds are healed, I’ve got my sh*t completely sorted, I’m in perfect health, I’m living a life that from an external perspective looks successful, and I’m in perfect alignment with the divine and living my soul’s purpose.  From that place, I tell myself, I’ll be able to share words of wisdom that are truly of service.

This egoic questioning is ceaseless, and the judgement and criticism of not being “there” and of being where I’m at, of course, drags me down and pulls me further and further away from this imaginative nirvana.  It also goes against everything I’ve been taught.

It physically feels like being caught in the thick and tangled web of a mammoth spider, so rope-like and thick that it chokes my breath and holds me captive, blocks my view, weighs me down and slows me to a crawl.  It feels incomprehensibly penetrating, like it pierces through my body as though it wasn’t even there.  And yet, I know there is a way out.  I know that I haven’t been wound and tightly bound by any spider, helplessly trapped and doomed for annihilation.  I walked my own way into the web, and got myself into this mess, entangling myself more and more with every egoic thought that I entertained.

And so, the time eventually arrives when I see the thoughts for what they are, I recognise that they’re just thoughts and they’re not me and they’re not truth, and I am freed.  Things pick up, and I swing into an up-cycle where I’m on top of the world and at peace within.

I know, when I’m on the high, that the low thoughts will return.  I’m aware and on the lookout.  Sometimes, when they arrive, I see them for what they are, and I sidestep another low.  Other times, they hit me and I forget all I’ve learnt, and I go through the cycle again until I catch a glimpse of the light and bring myself back to peace again.  And on and on it goes.

The downs have become fewer and further between, but they have persisted.  Sometimes, the very fact that I’ve avoided a downer in so long becomes fodder for my desperate ego to latch onto, as I criticise myself for falling victim to this habitual pattern again after doing so well.  Why, I ask myself, do I allow this to happen when I know better?  Why do I fall continually when I know how to rise, why do I fall victim when I know what’s coming?  Why do I allow myself to descend into hell when I know how to reside in heaven?  Why do I do this, as I watch my peers and teachers continue to rise and transcend their hell?  And then, in a disorienting twist of consciousness, I know that this thought is just a thought and if I allow it to it will drag me down further, and yet I believe it.  I merge with it.  I become overwhelmingly ensnared within the web.  I identify with the egoic part of me that says this is true, even though I know it’s not and I know it’s simply a thought that my mind is having.  **Exhausting.**  Confusing.

So today I’m here.  The thoughts and ideas of my morning mind wanderings are not morphing into the words right now that I expected, but they’re along similar lines.  What I know is this: just because I haven’t got it all worked out, just because I haven’t arrived in that utopian paradise where I’m essentially a saint or a guru or spiritually enlightened, doesn’t mean I don’t have value to share.  Just because I don’t have all the answers doesn’t mean that there’s not value in the lessons I have learned, or even in sharing my lows along with my highs.  My intention has never been to seek sympathy or publicly air my demons for the purpose of narcissistically offloading my woes.  I speak of my shadows and darknesses in the hope that I can aid someone, anyone, even just a little, in lightening their load along with me mine.

And then, so easefully and gracefully, everything changes.  I remind myself that the utopian paradise, the idealistic destination, doesn’t exist – it’s a figment of my imagination.  There is no destination.  Only a perpetual journey.  In the simple turn of a thought, I find myself surrendering to what is and letting go of the pain and the epic struggle.  The spiderweb disolves into nothingness.  I discover that I’m back on the upswing, and I’m once again living in heaven on earth.


Main image credit: Rain and Rust by Mooganic via Flickr.  Used under licence.

The Vulnerability of Devoting to your Biggest & Boldest Dreams

I sat under the shade of the magnificent ornamental pear tree in Mum’s backyard, soaking up the glorious early autumn weather on a lazy afternoon, watching the kids play on the grass. I marvelled at the miracle of the tree. I gazed at the branches above me, the leaves, the canopy, and considered the fact that this sprawling beauty had begun life as a tiny seed. One small, seemingly insignificant seed contained all the potential within it to grow into that beautiful big tree that stood above me, home and playground to a myriad of insects and birds, a source of shade, a beauty to behold in the backyard.

That tiny seed, buried in the earth, was given all the right conditions to allow it to sprout and reach for the light, until it broke through the surface of the soil. Cell by cell, it continued to grow and transform as its trajectory remained focused on the light. Cell by cell, from tiny seedling, to sapling, to small tree to large, cell by cell, transforming from green shoots to wooden branches. Cell by cell, growing leaves to soak up the energy of the sun, and transmute that energy via the miracle of photosynthesis into new growth. Can you even comprehend the number of cellular processes it took over the course of more than 15 years to get from seed to sprawling tree? There was no rushing, no striving, no taking shortcuts, no lamenting how far there still was to go.

Seedling with seed case

Seedling

It seems that so many of us are so identified with our ego, and so accustomed to an instant gratification culture that we’ve lost the ability to allow slow and steady progress. We want what we want, and we want it now. I know that I often find myself abandoning possibilities that seem like too much work for too little return in the near or foreseeable future. What a loss – so much potential abandoned in the name of speed and ease.

I’ve been told by a trusted seer that in a past life, I was successful architect living and working in Italy. I worked in partnership with my father on a huge project of thirty years duration. Within days of the completion of this monumental venture, the area was hit by a severe earthquake. My life’s work was flattened.

I sense that I’m only just beginning to comprehend the gravity of this experience and the impact it’s still having on me today. I’ve learnt that we carry our energy from lifetime to lifetime, and as such, the energy of the experiences we have can stay with us too. From my admittedly limited understanding, I’d say that the soul-destroying devastation of having my life’s work ravaged within days of its completion was not something that I adequately processed or healed from that in that lifetime, nor in any of my lifetimes since. And so, today, I still carry that burdensome energy in a way that has me avoid committing to dreams that require slow and steady incremental progress, a long term large scale outlook, or little returns in the near future. The excruciating pain of committing to such a dream, and pursuing it for so many years, only to have it destroyed virtually as soon as it was finally realised, taught me to protect myself from ever having to endure such a shattering experience again. That unbearable pain still resides deep within my energy field. My ego feels the fear that it induces, and it knows well how to best protect me: to prevent me from ever attempting such a feat again. It whispers, almost inaudibly, “Don’t attempt to realise such a grand and large-scale dream, because then it can’t be taken away from you, and that would destroy you.” Even more shrewdly, my ego gives me all the seemingly sensible and valid reasons why I don’t really want to pursue that dream anyway. Simple solution.

Except, that it’s not. The seeds of our dreams, big and small, lie dormant in our soul. All that potential and possibility, encapsulated within an unpursued dream. Waiting for the right conditions to allow them to sprout and reach for the light of day. When you begin to awaken to your spirituality and the truth of your soul, these things can no longer hide quietly. They become illuminated, and you can’t un-see them. They can no longer be ignored.

Our ego holds those seeds captive. It keeps them sealed in a packet, stored high and almost forgotten somewhere on a shelf in the dark garage.

By shedding light on these egoic shadows and blockages that past life experiences, or any other negative life experience, have created in our energy field, we might initially feel more stuck than ever. When we shine a torch upon an object, it suddenly casts a more defined shadow than what we might previously have been able to observe in the regular light of day. But once we know it’s there, we can use mindfulness to disidentify from our egoic thoughts, and transmute that shadow into light. That’s all the shadow is, an illusion. The shadow cast by the torch is not a tangible object, and it comes and goes depending on the angle and strength of the light. The shadow within is similarly just an illusion cast by the darkness of the ego. When we know that, we can use mindfulness to infuse our energy field with light, and transmute the shadows. We can say to ourselves:

“Those fears aren’t me. They are my ego, doing its job of keeping me small and safe by avoiding the potential greatness lying dormant within me, because greatness implies vulnerability. I don’t need to obey my ego. I can chose differently. I can give the seeds of my dreams the conditions they need to begin shooting towards the light. I can chose the step by step, slow burn of committing to a grand dream, knowing that it has the potential to reap the most glorious of rewards. I can remind myself of the beauty and light inherent in the process of pursuing my dream, that it’s not all about the final outcome. I can remind myself that in truth, in the eyes of God, without the judgment of any ego, there is no tragedy in a fulfilled dream being destroyed. Loss is not inherently bad, but our thinking makes it so. I can remind myself that even under such circumstances, there was so much beauty and love and light in every step of the way.”

It could be said that the real tragedy is in a dream never being pursued in the first place, in unfulfilled potential not even being attempted. But the truth is, even this is only a tragedy from the perspective of ego. But given that we have this beautiful opportunity of life, why would we not want to bring as much light into it as is humanly possible? Why would we not jump wholeheartedly at the marvellous opportunity to give form to the miracle of God inherent in the potential of the seed, by allowing it to physically express it’s divinity as it journeys toward the light?

Grow little one


All images photographed by me. ©


I’m looking forward to diving deep into my shadow with Belinda Davidson at her Shadow Working Workshop on the Gold Coast next week.  Details here.

shadowworkingeventsquare28129

Taking Orders from the Cardinal

A little birdie (a cardinal, in fact) told me that it’s important for my soul that I get my butt back into this space, and start getting light-heartedly serious about the business of being me, loud and proud, through sharing my story.  I listened, took note, and proceeded to do nothing about it.  Excuses, you know.  Seemingly valid ones.  Then, that little birdie got in my face again.  The instant I saw him the second time, I knew he meant business.  It’s time that I follow his guidance.

This was my first cardinal messenger - the animoon reading for the week email from Sarah Wilder at The Fifth Element Life. Click image to link to Sarah's site.

This was my first cardinal messenger – the animoon reading for the week email from Sarah Wilder at The Fifth Element Life.


So much beauty and light has been shining down on my little world lately.  I feel as though I’ve turned another corner, a very distinct corner, and the path forward here is upward.  Not upward in an uphill slog kind of way, but upward as in towards blessedly higher ground.  I’ve let go of those niggling doubts and worries that were telling me that my spiritual path perhaps “doesn’t work for me”, that “I’m not as good or worthy as all those beaming lightworkers”, and “I’m doomed for failure and mediocrity”.  I see you Ego, and I say “Thanks for sharing.  I choose differently.”

My beautiful little boy began school a few weeks ago, and it’s been a wonderful new beginning for both of us.  He’s ready and raring to step into this next phase of his sweet childhood, and honestly, so am I.  I’ve learnt to delight in the joys of motherhood, and to weather the challenges with as much grace as I can muster.  But I’m so excited for this next phase in our journey, and the energy of these past few weeks has been that of excitement, anticipation, positivity, new beginnings, and growth.  He’s transitioned into school brilliantly, and I’ve transitioned into being a mum of two school children without a hitch.  (OK, I almost shed a tear before dropping him off on his first day!)

My word for the year. Image by Jo Klima of The Darling Tree

My word for the year. Image by Jo Klima of The Darling Tree

The summer holidays allowed me some space to re-establish a DEVOTED practice.  I realised at some point that last year, whilst I was showing up to a committed daily practice of a chakra cleanse meditation, most of the time I wasn’t really connecting.  The lights were on but nobody was home.  It was surface level, and I was just going through the motions.  This was partly because I felt that the only time I could fit my practice in with consistency was at 5.30am, but bleary eyed and sleep deprived, I often struggled to keep myself from drifting to sleep, and I couldn’t muster the energy to do it standing up to prevent that.  I felt proud that I was doing the work, but I was ignoring the reality that I was actually only managing to do half the work.  I couldn’t concentrate, my mind would constantly wander, and I would be rushing through it before it was time to get on with my day, instead of allowing the time to feel my way intuitively through the process.  I was still reaping benefits, but I certainly wasn’t experiencing the magic I’d come to expect and witness in others on a similar path.  The gentleness of our summer routine provided the breathing space that allowed me more time and less pressure, so that I naturally found the depth and connection again that I realised I’d been mostly missing for months.  And so, as a consequence, my energy has skyrocketed off the charts, into seriously high-vibing territory that not only feels wonderful, but is what I knew I was missing last year.

Practically, this new energy I’m rocking looks like:

  • Feeling naturally moved to begin a daily routine of walking in nature. This is something that I began intermittently last year, but for a long time I found myself saying “I should walk more”.  The difference now is that I’m moved to do it, I’m eager to get out there, because I love it!  There’s no pressure, no forcing myself, no yearning for motivation.  It just happens.  I also realised that I really didn’t have an excuse – we live less than 2 minutes walk from wetlands with a walking track!  Until this year, I’d kind of ignored that fact, and used the excuse that it wasn’t very nice, it was too close to the roads, and there was often rubbish lingering around.  But I see it with new eyes now.  Those wetlands are teeming with bird life, native flora, and miracles everywhere I look.  I love my morning walk, and I’m feeling the benefits on SO MANY levels.
  • Committing to a 5 minute morning yoga practice. Again, this has evolved naturally, and it’s something I look forward to.  Physically, my yoga flow has never been smoother, my biceps have never been stronger, and my body feels limber and spacious.  In the past I’ve used time as an excuse to avoid a home practice, but 5 minutes a day has had incredible impact for me.
  • I’m getting more sleep. If you’ve read some of my earlier posts, you’ll know that this has been a life-long self-sabotage issue for me. I decided to surrender.  I let it go.  I stopped listening to the beating my ego would give me after every late night.  I accepted that this is something I do, it’s possibly going to be something I do for the rest of my days, and trying to fix it isn’t working.  I’m not clear on the exact mechanism at work here, but something shifted – I naturally began choosing to head to bed earlier.  It became a priority.  I wanted to accept the responsibility of making choices with consideration of the consequences.  Far out, it feels so much better when I’ve slept a decent stint for consecutive nights!  Who would have thought?!?!  It’s still something I need to be very mindful of, and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve overcome this destructive habit, but I’m finding it increasingly easier to be aware of the impact of my sleep choices, and of wanting to make choices that have positive longer-term outcomes (rather than the instant gratification of rebelliously revelling in an late-nighter).  (The late-nighters often aren’t even that enjoyable anyway!!) (Disclosure: I did stay up late to complete and publish this post! I was driven, it felt as though it was almost beyond my control.  The words were hankering to get out of me and onto the screen to be shared with my audience. I went with it. More on that below.)
  • I’m manifesting like a boss! Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. I won 2 free tickets to see Danielle LaPorte speak live in Melbourne, and then I scored an extra ticket as well, total value $375 (I’ve delighted in telling the details of this awesome manifesting story to anyone who’ll listen!).  I’ve secured a 3 month pro-bono 1:1 life coaching series.  I’ve been invited to participate online programs with incredible women that have come with PERFECT timing, taught me huge lessons, and given me amazing outcomes and momentum.
  • I’m feeling more energetic, less grumpy, and better able to remain mindful in my parenting experience. My overall demeanour and energy is lighter – I’m even saying hi to people I pass when I’m walking, which is totally out of my comfort zone!  I have the energy and motivation to do basic things like housework, without having to force myself.  I just get stuff done.  Messages, omens, and signs are flowing to me constantly.  I see the beauty and miracles in everyday life.

Magic & Miracles 1Magic & Miracles 2 miracles 3

  • Life is just working better. I have two examples to illustrate this.
    Example 1: A few weeks back, we purchased a large filing cabinet for our office.  Because it is so large, we arranged delivery, and the sales assistant advised that the delivery company would contact me on the morning of delivery to confirm a time.  On the first of the two possible delivery days, I kept my mobile within reach at all times.  No call.  At 3.30pm, I bundled the kids into the car to head to swimming lessons.  I turned the key in the ignition – nothing.  I got the kids out again, cancelled their swimming lesson, and called the RACV.  I quickly knew not to get upset or annoyed about it – worse things could happen, and I was grateful that it happened at home rather than in some random car park.  I thought that was the silver lining.  But it got even better.  At 4.20pm, when I “should” have been sitting poolside, I heard a vehicle out the front, and peeked through the window expecting to see the RACV truck.  Instead, it was the delivery truck with our filing cabinet.
    Example 2: It was a Wednesday evening, and I was in the backyard admiring the beautiful summer sunset.  I invited my husband outside to see it too.  Whilst there, gazing upward, he noticed that we had some significantly broken tiles on our roof.  The next day, he called a professional to come and check it out.  The roof guy was able to come that same day, and he confirmed that it needed substantial repairs.  He was booked to do another job the following day, but was waiting on a part needed for that job.  The part didn’t arrive, so he was able to fix our roof that day, Friday, instead.  That weekend, there was a massive downpour.  Bullet dodged.

There’s so much more I could share.  Suffice it to say, life is grand.  That’s not the same as perfect though.  There are still challenges, there always will be.  But how I’m facing them is shifting.  For example, we’ve been having ongoing and protracted drainage and plumbing issues with both of the showers in our house since we moved in over 2 years ago.  After repairs and complete replacements, we’re still having serious water leakage issues.  I’m tempted to be stressed out about this situation, but I can see beyond it.  We now have one water-tight and working shower.  We’ll sort the other one out in due time.  Worse things have happened.  I’m also feeling into the energy of the situation, to ascertain the reasons why we’ve attracted this into our experience, as well as contemplating the symbology represented by water leakages.  I know, with certainty, that we can resolve this situation at its root cause by resolving the blocked energy.  When we’re in alignment, this will resolve with ease.

So I’m feeling good.  There is ebb and flow, and that is to be expected.  I’m observing and learning every day.  Magic surrounds me.  That magic comes via my devotion.  And it’s is why I’m here in this space today.  I’ve been on the verge of sharing here a few times over the past few months, but something has held me back (it seems to be an ongoing pattern of mine).  I’ve hesitated and questioned whether my stories, my experiences, are worthy of sharing, whether they hold any value.  This hesitation and questioning has peaked in response to an experience which took place shortly after publishing my last blog post, in which a dear friend of mine was very brave and honest with me.  She told me that she had deep concerns about my spiritual path, and that she needed to put some boundaries in place for her own protection, and that of her family, if we were to continue our friendship.  This revelation shook me deeply.  I can’t recall ever having had an experience before where someone essentially condemned, albeit in a loving and considerate way, my beliefs and my way of life.  Initially, it was unnerving and incredibly uncomfortable, but I put on a brave face and told her that I was ok with her requests.  However as time went on, and the situation marinated in my mind, my ego began to launch savage battle with my higher self as I tried my best to not take my friends opinions and actions personally.  I wasn’t sure whether I could accept her requests.  I wasn’t sure whether I could be friends with someone who wouldn’t accept me in my entirety, who felt that my spirituality posed a danger to her and her children.  The situation drew anger, opinion and judgment from most of those whom I shared with.  I knew in my heart that I didn’t reject my friend or her stance, in fact I respected her bravery, honesty and integrity in approaching such a delicate topic with both care and respect.  I have no issue with us having different beliefs.  But I found it difficult to determine whether I could continue to spend time with her.  I have a strong value of respect for others choices and beliefs, religious and spiritual included.  In my world, I can accept and live with the reality that others have different beliefs to me, and that we can coexist harmoniously with that difference.  It is my belief that there is more than one path to God.  But not everyone shares that belief.  How could I share a friendship with someone who rejects my path and feels the need to protect herself from my way of life?  Initially, I thought I could find a way to continue our friendship in line with her boundaries, that we could meet in neutral territory and simply avoid the topic.  I thought that would be the moral and loving thing to do.  But I soon realised that such a path would come at a cost.  I would be dishonouring myself.  I would be saying, symbolically, that my beliefs and my spirituality are not worth taking a stand for.  That it’s ok for someone to place conditions on our friendship that dampen my spirit and leave me feeling like there is something inherently evil about how I live my life.  I know my friend had pure intentions in what she shared with me, that she came from a place of love.  But ultimately, she was saying that how I live, and who I am, is not ok.

My uncle's tatoo - people of all belief systems and religions CAN coexist in harmony.

My uncle’s tatoo – people of all belief systems and religions CAN coexist in harmony.

Whilst I’m proud of the way that we both handled this situation, and that we’ve come to a mutual understanding of how to respect each other’s wishes, the after-effects are lingering for me.  Whilst I believe in the depths of my heart and soul that the crux of my spirituality is nothing but unconditional love in its purest form, this exchange with my friend has given my ego fresh fodder to keep me safe and small.  It speaks to me of the risks of speaking my truth, that I might be judged and attacked, next time with hatred and viciousness.  It tells me that people will misunderstand me, that people are looking for an argument, for a way to wield their power.  It tells me that people might associate me with things that are not, in fact, a part of my belief system, and use that against me.  It tells me to be scared.  It tells me that life is so much easier when I just keep my mouth shut and fit in with the crowd.  It tells me that I don’t need to share this stuff anyway, I can keep it to myself, keep it private.

My ego is doing such a beautiful job of protecting me.  All she wants is for me to survive, and she’s making use of the most effective tools that evolution has given her, the tools that have brought humans so far in perpetuating the species for eons.  The thing is though, I’m beyond survival.  I’ve got that handled.  Thank you, dear ego, for lovingly doing your job.  But I choose differently.

Life might be “easier” when we keep quiet and fit in, but for me, that feels unbearably stifling.  I have these words, these expressions of my experience and my truth, that are conceived to be spoken, not swallowed.  When I suppress them, they don’t just magically disappear – they are energy, physical matter on the quantum level, that doesn’t vanish through repression.  They stay inside of me, and they turn bitter.  They’re there, and they’re so loud that I can’t ignore them, so unless I allow them to move through me, they fester and grow, and eventually seek an alternate route of expression, through rage, tears, or illness – they’ll find any means of escape.  So “easier” is perhaps not an accurate term to use.

Tell your story with pride, said the cardinal.  Accept this moment as it is, he chirped.  So I’m acknowledging the truth, the words, the expressions of my experience, and I’m accepting that they are here, to be born out into the world when I’m moved to give voice to them – when they’re ripe and ready to flow.  It’s a lesson I’m learning over and over and over again.   I’ve discovered that it’s my destiny to share – one of the many essences of my soul is to give expression to my words, and to have them be heard.  And I’m devoted to being in alignment with the light of my soul, so silence is not even an option for me.  My words are part of my soul’s purpose here on this human journey.  I am devoted to living that purpose.

Image credit: Fire by Zdenko Zivkovic. Used under license.

Image credit: Fire by Zdenko Zivkovic. Used under license.


Main image credit: Mr Cardinal by Dawn Huczek, used under license.

Drumming up Drama

Oh how skilfully our ego can take us over and sweep us up in a shitstorm of drama and stress! After thinking recently that I was starting to get a relatively decent handle on catching my mind and avoiding identifying with my ego, the universe delivered me an excellent situation which perfectly highlights just how deep this unconsciousness runs, and that mindfulness is an ongoing practice. No need to be getting cocky any time soon!

My day, my energy, shifted in an instant. It had been a pretty regular day, I was out of my usual routine but it was nothing startling and all just normal life stuff. I was feeling good despite a few little niggles here and there, my energy has been refreshingly and gratifyingly on the rise lately and I am recognising the pay off from my devoted spiritual practice. All it took was a quick glance at an email that had arrived in my inbox in the early evening.

My heart squeezed. My stomach instantly began churning. I felt ill. I was physically shaking.

It’s comical retelling the story with hindsight. This instant and dramatic shift in energy, all from a short email. No terrible news had been delivered. No significant problem had been revealed. I won’t go into the details of this private matter, but suffice to say, it was a simple email. It was simply a small piece of information, and a request for my opinion.

But it’s what my ego, my thinking mind, did with that information, that sent me into a tailspin.

The thoughts that I conjured from this short email were mostly along the lines of:
– People I love must think I’ve been deceiving them;
– My words and actions have caused other people to worry, stress, and take unnecessary actions that they would otherwise not have taken;
– I’ve disappointed people I love;
– I’ve inconvenienced people I love;
– People I love must be angry with me, annoyed with me, and think less of me.

Yep, although I was very concerned about my loved ones, the crux of my freak out came down to my concern around what others think of me, and I concocted all of those assumptions based on a brief email that included no comment whatsoever about me, or what anyone thought about me.

So the drama was firmly established in my mind, and then some conversation ensued around a highly emotional topic.  Any other day, I would have simply shed a few tears. But in this situation, I allowed it to snowball me staight into meltdown city.

Situations where our reputation or character is perceived as being under threat are not uncommon, and it’s a normal human response to try to maintain a favourable standing amongst our family and community. Evolution created our brains in that way, increasing our chances of survival amongst the safety and support of the tribe. It’s a base chakra phenomenon, and our ego isn’t all bad – it’s a survival mechanism.

But this brain wiring does cause us a lot of unnecessary stress, and we’re at a point in human evolution where we are better served by being aware of this process, and how to use that knowledge to reduce our suffering.

All of my thoughts around this situation were just that – thoughts, created in my mind. They weren’t truth. No one had said any of those things. And yet, I believed them as truth, and I gave them meaning without even consciously thinking about it – I am a bad person. The churning and nausea in my stomach was a clear sign that the weaknesses in my solar plexus had taken a huge hit. My self confidence isn’t unshakeable. My ability to safeguard my energy isn’t yet quite as robust as I’d like it to be. I place a grossly unbalanced weight of importance in what other people think of me.

If I’d managed in that moment to observe my thoughts and avoid identifying with them, I’d have been able to handle the ensuing conversations much more gracefully. I’d have been able to calmly and effectively respond to the email without drama. I’d have been able to see the situation for what it was, and not attach all that meaning to it. I’d have avoided much of the pain, suffering and tears that followed.

This situation has been an illuminating learning experience for me. I’m so grateful that these days, I can at least recognise what I’m doing to myself, and diffuse the anguish and suffering a hell of a lot more quickly than in the past.

As I said to my mum earlier today, tongue in cheek, clearly I needed to drum up a bit of drama for myself, seeing as I’ve been so stress-free lately and it felt too foreign! Thanks for that ego, job well done.  Time to move on.


Photo credit: by Nicholas A. Tonelli. Modified and used under license.

School of the Modern Mystic

Two years ago, I became a student of Belinda Davidson’s School of the Modern Mystic (SoMM). Enrolling in the level 1 course set me on a path that I never dreamed I would walk, and the most exciting part is that I’ve really only just begun.

SoMM opens its doors for enrolment once a year, and that window of opportunity for 2016 is approaching in a few days. I am an affiliate for the course, because it was the catalyst that transformed my life, and I’m SO PASSIONATE about the teachings. I’ve experienced transformation for myself, I’ve seen so many other SoMM students blossom into their most joyous and soulful lives, and I wish that opportunity for everyone on the planet. The opportunity to finally break free from the pain and struggles that are holding you back, to connect with your soul, and to live in truth and joy. And so, I’m sharing with you today my experiences. Following are some of the most significant shifts I’ve experienced thanks to SoMM.

MOVING BEYOND DEPRESSION
My main motivation for enrolling in the school 2 years ago was because I believed that it could help me to break my patterns of recurring depression. At a time when I was recognising the early signs of onset, SoMM entered my radar, and I saw it as an admittedly unconventional alternative to yet another round of psychological counselling or medication. My intuition told me that this could be my answer. I’m not advocating that abandoning traditional mental healthcare treatment is the answer for everyone. For me, I knew I needed to break the cycle, and I needed a different approach if I was to have lasting results. I sensed that SoMM was MY path. I was so right.

During level 1 and beyond, I became so much better able to cope with the everyday stresses of life as a Mum that had previously brought me to my knees. I was calmer, more effective at solving problems, and had more mental resilience. I no longer felt broken. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to reach this place earlier – I read books and blogs, attended workshops, practiced yoga, took advice … and whilst these things were all definitely helpful, they didn’t effect lasting change. The difference with SoMM – I was clearing the energetic blockages that were responsible for my subconscious ways of operating, so my mental patterns changed without effort, without me consciously realising.

I was elated. My husband was happy. The kids had a healthier and happier mummy. I believed I had the tools to effectively move through life permanently depression free.

As 2016 swung into gear, around 6 months after completing level 1, I began to experience some depressive episodes again. Not full blown clinical depression, but certainly not pleasant. I freaked out. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING. Life was supposed to be easy and joyful and pain free now, filled with rainbows and unicorns and fairy dust!

As I’ve re-emerged from that dip on the roller coaster of life, I can see through hindsight a number of things. Firstly, I had unrealistic expectations of what post-SoMM life “should” be like (i.e. unicorns etc.!!?). Healing yourself and improving your life does not mean that you will no longer face challenges, hardships, or disappointments. Secondly, the massive energetic and spiritual changes I’ve begun negotiating thanks to SoMM have raised a lot of fear and uncertainty, fine fodder for the ego to go wild. The status quo is no longer a viable option in my life post-SoMM – half truths don’t cut it, hiding is futile, and the truth can be painfully uncomfortable. This stuff can feel terrifying! This is where I discovered that my mindfulness practice, from the third module of level 1, was not yet as strong as I had naïvely assumed it to be.

But … this was all a part of my healing journey, teaching me along the way. And, it was the SoMM teachings that brought me back online, back to my centre, and back to mental health again.

I believe with all of my heart that these teachings are rock solid. Foolproof.

The take-away for you from this experience is that SoMM offers you the UNIVERSE, but it sure as heck isn’t for the faint hearted. It is amazing and transformational and literally miraculous, and it will fill your life with light and love, IF you devote yourself to the spiritual practices that it teaches you. It will also crack you open, and demand that all that is not love, truth, and purity, all that is fake, all that is playing small and hiding, all that is conformity, be shed. I know from experience that that is not easy, and it’s not for everyone. It’s a choice. But if you’re willing to make that choice, you’ll find magic.

I could probably stop there, but I’d like to share with you some of the other beautiful gifts I’ve gained through SoMM.

TRIBE
The online SoMM community – my SoMM sisters (and the odd brother here and there!) – is an absolute joy and treasure. To have found a tribe of (mostly) women whom I didn’t even consciously realise I was desperately searching for has been an incredible gift. Like minded women, on a journey of the soul in this physical life, together. So much love. So much support. Connection. Friendships. The opportunity to meet with many of my SoMM sisters in the flesh has been extra special – I’ve been craving this kind of connection all of my life.

INTUITION
Putting aside my new-found fascination for psychic perception, my own intuitive abilities are steadily building in subtle ways. I imagine something, and then it actually happens. I have insights that enable me to prepare for what would previously have been unforeseen circumstances. I have the ability to solve problems based on intuitive hunches, often preventing further complications from arising. So far, this phenomenon is intriguing, helpful, and warmly welcomed.

COMMUNICATION
I’m discovering my voice, on many levels. It’s still emerging. An example: my husband and I mutually acknowledge that open communication has never been our strength, is something we must constantly work on, and is something we easily slip into avoiding. Post SoMM – it’s an ongoing work in progress, but we’re having the conversations no matter how difficult. WIN. As I said before, there’s no more hiding.

SPIRITUALITY
My prime motivation for enrolling in SoMM was to overcome depression and gain mental health. I got so much more than I bargained for, but that somehow, on some subconscious level, I was yearning for and could sense that SoMM would give me.

The spirituality of SoMM is what has transformed my life, and is what now informs every waking moment of my day. I have a new relationship with God. I have a new relationship with myself. I’m finally coming to understand a lot of what I was taught in my Catholic upbringing. Things that hadn’t made sense to me previously, things that seemed like fictional stories or outright lies, I’ve been able to reframe and discover the truths that they hold. SoMM is not a religious course, but through it and discovering my spirituality, I’ve been able to develop an appreciation and understanding of what was being taught to me through religion that I’d never managed to absorb. It turns out there is more than one path to God.

GLOW
The last thing I’ll mention here is kind of random and unspecific, but I attribute it to the spiritual practices I learnt in SoMM. People tell me I look different – in a good way. I have a sparkle in my eye that wasn’t there before. I look well. Personally, I think it comes and goes relative to how I’m showing up for my spiritual practice, but I haven’t tested that theory out for external validation. Whatever the case, I like it.


If SoMM is right for you, you’ll know. You’ll be curious. You’ll feel drawn in. Something about it will call to you. If that’s you, I encourage you to follow where your curiosity leads. In my eyes, if you choose to dive in, it will be impossible to regret it. You will be held, and supported, and loved. Strap yourself in for the ride! If you’re in, be sure to let me know, and I’ll see you in the school yard.

To find out more about School of the Modern Mystic and sign up to be notified when enrolment opens in the next few days, click here

Ego: Dream Killer

The new month has brought with it a significant shift in energy, and I know I’m not alone in feeling it. I don’t know if it’s the new moon in cancer, the new financial year giving off January vibes, or something else altogether, but there’s no denying it. Personally, my mood has lifted (alleluia!), I’ve had significant insights, and I’ve set new intentions that have flowed to me fluidly rather than forcefully.

Firstly, I’m realising with increasing clarity that I grossly underestimated the level of commitment and sustained diligence required to disassociate from ego and live in alignment with my soul.

Yep. Big.  (Massive.)

Following this realisation, I’m beginning to recognise the degree to which I’ve allowed my life to be dictated by my ego. To put it another way, my default mode of being is to allow my ego to stop me from living my dreams. In particular, I’ve uncovered a deep, long-held, heartfelt dream that I’ve skirted around, hidden, denied, and turned away from, for as long as it’s resided in my heart.

It’s only been in practicing mindfulness and  disidentifying from ego that I’ve been able to see the truth that’s been under my nose all this time. My ego has told me I’m not good enough to pursue, let alone achieve, this dream. My ego has convinced me that I’ll make a fool of myself to even admit this dream to anyone.  My ego has given me all the reasons why this dream is a foregone failure. My ego has told me I’ll be selfishly squandering my money to pursue this dream, money that could be put to better use for my young family. My ego has reminded me of my past failures and used them as evidence that this dream is destined for the same. My ego has laughed cruelly in my face for even daring to dream such a ridiculous dream.  My ego has even rationalised that this dream isn’t quite right for me.

If the ego were a person, that person would be judged as a pretty horrible person, and not a wise choice of someone to confide your dreams to.

The amusing thing is, since getting back on the mindfulness bandwagon and choosing not to take the ego’s opinions on board, I can actually see all the signs that the Universe (God/Source/the Angels) has been persistently placing on my path in an effort to steer me in the direction of this dream. There have been sparks of interest, meetings with inspiring role models, fascinations, signs, omens, synchronicities, serendipities. And if you consider my email subscriptions and social media feeds, it’s so blindingly obvious that this dream totally lights me up.

*Sigh.* All I can do is laugh about it.

No matter. I believe that I, just like everyone else, am exactly where I am supposed to be, and my journey gives me everything I need to grow. I trust the entire process.

There is so much I don’t know, so much I don’t understand.  I’m learning, and it’s a lifelong process. Whilst sometimes I think I can’t be helpful to anyone if I don’t have all the answers (hello again, ego!), I trust that by sharing my journey, full of struggles and mistakes as it is, may help you to have your own realisations.

Perhaps you have a dream that you’re ignoring or denying or hiding, because you’re believing what your ego has to say about it. Try this: dream the dream anyway. Don’t believe what your ego has to say on the matter. Envision the dream in your mind’s eye, ignoring the ego’s heckling jibes telling you that your dream couldn’t possibly come to fruition. Feel the feelings of living your dream, disregarding your ego’s persistent snide remarks that your dream is an impossibility. Dream the dream. Forget the how’s. This is where the magic begins. Because even if your dream doesn’t turn out the way you hope for, LIFE is where you pursue the dreams of your heart for the pure joy of the experience living in alignment with the callings of your soul.

xx


If you’re serious about disidentifying with ego, I recommend the following books that were recommended to me by my teacher, Belinda Davidson. Read them, study them, re-read them. Then read them again.

  • The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
  • The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris

Image credit: by Deb Stgo, used under license.

Your light is eternal

I’m a freaking mess. High one day, a disaster the next. I feel like a complete idiot, like I’ve not learnt anything about life and how to live. I told anyone who’d listen that I finally had this depression thing sorted for good, and now, I’m being slammed by depressive episodes again. And it’s not even a “legit” depression, where the person is rendered physically and mentally incapable of dragging themselves through the day. No, my brand is shameful: it’s a choice. I’m feeling shit, and I’m wallowing in it. I’m choosing to opt out and zone out of life, because I just don’t want to endure another moment of feeling this way.

I’m heartbroken, because I was so certain that I’d found the golden ticket to keep me out of this pain permanently, but despite my dedicated chakra cleansing, my ego found the loophole: mindfulness. I know that mindfulness has been my stumbling block, and it’s the way my ego is worming it’s way back in to the drivers seat and controlling my life again. She’s clever – she’s even managed to convince me that she can thwart my attempts at chakra cleansing and channeling White Light. So, whilst I’ve surrendered to the MIA mindfulness, even my attempts to chakra cleanse and channel White Light feel measly and futile.

She’s good at convincing me that I suck at life, that I’m dumb and slow, and that I’m just not cut out to get my shit together enough to live an awesome life. She laughs hysterically when I say I want to shine my light and inspire others. “LIGHT?! WHAT LIGHT?! You’re a phoney loser. You don’t have a light, and saying the words won’t make one magically appear. You’re a try-hard, follow-the-crowd loser, pretending to be different. It’s embarrassing watching you pretend to people that you’ve got life sorted, that you have answers, because it’s a crock of shit and everyone sees through you. No one would ever want to follow your lead. Suck it up Princess, life’s a bitch, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all get on with it and stop laughing with pity and disgust at your pathetic attempts at “Lightworking”. FFS, the fact that you have the audacity to even use that word is just maddeningly embarrassing, and hilarious, and pathetic. You’re not one of them, so give it up. You’re destined for mediocrity, so stop trying so hard, and maybe the road will be a lot less embarrassing and painful for both of us.”

Whoa. She’s brutal. She’s a total cow. Writing out her tirade helps me to see just how horrendous she is, and how it is that she’s managed to slam me. It’s not only given me clarity on how she’s operating, but also an idea on how to disarm her. You see, before I wrote out her vicious tirade, I knew I was being beaten into submission by her words, although I hadn’t consciously acknowledged exactly what her words were. I knew she was slamming me, but I felt completely helpless. Now, reading her vitriol on the page before me, I can see her for the abhorrent bully she is. It makes me think, if someone spoke like that to someone I loved, I would go beserk! I wouldn’t stand by helplessly – I would tear my loved one away from that person, and bombard them with all the reasons why those words are complete and utter bullocks! I would shower my loved-one with love and hugs, and tell them how beautiful and amazing and wonderful and perfectly imperfect they are. I’d tell them how much I love them.

So, that’s what I’m doing, for me.

Rachael Louise Stella, that horrible tirade that Ego just pissed all over you is complete and utter garbage. She is trying her best to tear you down, because she’s afraid of how powerful you are, and that you’ll render her powerless. She’s clawing her way to survival. It’s not true, and she knows it. Rachael, you are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfectly imperfect woman, and I love you with all of my heart. You are a Lightworker – it’s just that your light has been dimmed lately, because you’ve believed those awful things that Ego tells you. I can assure you, it is a spiritual impossibility to extinguish your light – it is eternal. Don’t allow that desperate Ego to convince you that you’re not glorious. You are, and that terrifies her. But don’t fight her. Fighting is futile, and breeds negativity. Perhaps show her some love and kindness, by allowing her to be, but remembering that she does not speak the truth. Allow her to say whatever terrible things she has to say, but don’t accept them as true. Remember that her words are born of fear. She fears for her existence. You know how to disarm fear: with love. Remembering this will allow your light to shine, ever more brightly, and will keep Ego in the back seat, whilst you take the steering wheel.

I love you so much. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Image credit: 365.12 – Light by Kristina Savic. Used under license.

 

The Spider

The spider has a job that she must do to ensure her survival – she must spin webs.

When the time comes for this job to be undertaken, she simply does it. She doesn’t contemplate it, plan it, worry about it, think about whether there are other tasks that she’d rather be doing, wonder if it might be better to put it off until tomorrow, or worry about how the finished product will turn out. When the moment arrives to spin a web, she mindfully sets about spinning a web, without being distracted, without wondering whether it will live up to her expectations or the expectations of others. She doesn’t contemplate whether that which comes naturally to her will be deemed the right thing to have done by others. She just does it. She spins her web with focus and intent to create that which comes naturally to her. She works with persistence, and if something should unexpectedly interrupt her, it is dealt with, after which she dutifully returns to the task at hand.

When her work is finished, the spider doesn’t stand back and critique her work. She doesn’t fret over whether others will judge her work favourably. She immediately moves on to whatever it is that her instincts direct her to next. If her work is destroyed by unforeseen circumstances, she doesn’t spend an instant grieving over the loss of her creation that she poured so much time and effort into. She moves on and does what needs to be done. She creates another web.

There is something to be learnt from the spider and her web spinning. We humans are naturally creative beings, and there is so much potential within us, waiting for us to let go and give birth to the creations that we were made to transform from potential into existence. We spend so much time and energy thinking, wondering, contemplating, worrying, analysing, assuming, and judging. All this mind work imprisons our potential, stifles it. It holds us back from birthing our creative projects. When we do manage to wade our way though the quagmire of mental mess, our creations fail to be born into the full expression of their potential. There is pure magic and magnificence lying dormant within a creative idea. A creative idea holds the possibility of beauty, joy, wonder, brilliance. The practice of mindfulness releases us from this prison of stifled creativity. When we disidentify from the ego, and model the spider’s approach to spinning her web, a world of glorious, fully expressed creativity falls effortlessly into our laps.

The mind isn’t all bad. Luckily for us humans, we also have the pleasure of enjoying and fully appreciating the beauty that has been created in the world.  What a true blessing.


Image credit: spider web by x76882, under license.

Back From the Future

As I write this, I’m smack-bang in the middle of a three day retreat.  Specifically, a stay-at-home “White Light Intensive Healing Retreat”, that is part of a course I am currently undertaking.  This retreat has given me some much needed down time, time alone, time with myself, minimal social interaction, no social media or email checking.  Time to breathe, hear myself think, rest, and get present.  Ahhh…

Whilst on this retreat, I have been encouraged to practice mindfulness, and so I’ve used the opportunity to delve back into the words of wisdom from Eckhart Tolle in his profound book, The Power of Now.

Tolle teaches how to reach enlightenment through observing the mind and living in the present moment.  Although I’ve been studying this book for some months now, reading it during this retreat has enabled me to have new insights into how I’ve been living.

I’ve been living in the future.  Waiting.  Yearning.

Yearning for a time when motherhood is less demanding.
Yearning for a time when I have more money.
Yearning for a time when I can learn all that my teacher has to teach me.
Yearning for a time when I’ve nailed the art of manifesting.
Yearning for a time when I know my life purpose and can live it.
Yearning for a time when I can fully embrace and embody the magical human being I am discovering myself to be.

I try to wrap my brain around these concepts of presence and mindfulness, but as Tolle explains, that will get me nowhere.  Being present is knowing presence.  Being mindful is knowing mindfulness.

It’s time to take the lessons of this retreat into my daily life.  The social media and email free time is a massive step in the right direction.  I’ve decided to limit my time on these activities, as opposed to my ingrained habit of reaching for my mobile during every spare millisecond I can find.

It’s also time to step up my mindfulness and presence practice.  I’ve learnt so much through my studies, but it’s time to commit to living these practices every single moment of every single day.

Noticing when my mind says that motherhood is demanding and holding me back.
Noticing when my mind says that I don’t have enough money.
Noticing when my mind says there is so much I need to learn.
Noticing when my mind says that I haven’t yet mastered the art of manifesting.
Noticing when my mind says that life will begin when I’m living my soul purpose.
Noticing when my mind says that I can’t yet embody my truth.

Observing these thoughts.  Accepting them.  Perhaps chosing differently.

And finally, knowing that these thoughts aren’t who I am.  I am the one who observes them.  Knowing that I am perfect, whole, and complete, in this present moment, right now.

xx